It has been a long time since I have posted some of the best-worst bed time stories I have ever read. Truthfully, I lost our favorite bed time stories we would never read to our children. It is funny to look at the stats on the blog and see how many people, for one reason or another, are searching for “bad bed time stories” or”terrible bed time stories.”
So with out further ado, I bring to you the best-worst version of the old classic “Jack and the Beanstalk”.
Jack and the Beanstalk
(Sarcastic editorial notes in parenthesis, all else is something someone actually wrote intending to be read to children. )
Once upon a time, there was a poor boy name Jack. He lived with his widowed mother in a little cottage in the village. Jack and his mother had not always been poor. At one time, when his father was alive, they were very rich. But you see, there lived among the clouds, high up in the sky, a wicked giant who killed Jack’s father. He stole all his possessions and riches leaving Jack and his mother poor. (The giant was obviously an evil capitalist.)
One day, Jack’s mother called him to her and said, “Jack, we have no more food, and no money to buy anymore. The only thing left to do is sell Betsy, our cow, and use the money to buy more food. It won’t be much, but it will keep us going for awhile.”
Jack was sad as he took Betsy to town knowing that he would never see her again. It just so happened that on the way to town, Jack met a kindly old man. He stopped him and asked, “Young man, what are you going to do with that cow you have there?”
“I’m going to sell her so my mother and I can have some money to buy food, sighed Jack (You know like beef, and hamburger, and steaks, Do you know where I can get some of that stuff?”)
Is she all you have in this world?”, he asked.
“Yes,” said Jack. (How did you know that? Was it the whole we have nothing so we have to sell this cow for food that helped you figured it out, Sherlock?)
“Then give her to me and I will let you have these very special bean seads. These are the Seeds of Salvation, Faith, and God’s precious. If you will take them and plant them in good soil, you will never hunger or thirst again.”
“Oh, I will!” said Jack, and he eagerly made the exchange.
When Jack got home, he excitedly told his mother of his wonderful trade. She was furious with Jack. So she took his special bean seeds and threw them out the window. “You foolish, foolish boy!” she screamed. “How could you trade all that was left of our worldly goods, and all that we had for some silly seeds?” “Poor Mother,” thought Jack. “She doesn’t understand. I will pray that God will show her what He has shown me. Then she will be happy I got these special seeds of Salvation, Faith, and God’s precious promises, instead of trading old Betsy for the goods this world has to offer…” “…where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.” With these thoughts in mind he fell asleep with great faith in his heart that “…With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
The next morning when Jack woke up and looked out the window, he saw a marvelous sight. There, where his special seeds had been thrown out the window, a beautiful strong vine had grown. (Because actually Jesus was wrong. They didn’t need good soil after all.) Huge beans of faith and precious promises were growing all over it. As he looked, he could see that the vine had grown so tall and so high that it actually touched the clouds.
“Oh, those were truly special seeds, ” he thought, as he picked a pocket full of the beans. Quickly, Jack began to climb the beanstalk. Higher and Higher, higher and higher he went until he reached the very top. “Oh, look!” exclaimed Jack, “A beautiful castle in the distance. I wonder who lives there? (Um, maybe the only person I have ever known that lived up in the clouds, aka the guy that killed my father. Just a stab in the dark.)
“The Giant,” and old lady replied.
“Oh! Where did you come from? I didn’t see you,” replied a startled Jack.
“Been here all along. Saw you get off the beanstalk and heard you talking to yourself. Thought I best warn you to stay away from the castle. The giant lives there. He is very mean and evil. He is the one who killed your father and stole all his earthly goods years ago.”
“Then its best I get back what is rightfully ours,” Jack said (to the creepy old lady that knows a lot about people and lives up in the clouds.) and he headed straight for the castle.
Before knocking on the door, he suddenly realized he was weak from the long climb and also quite hungry (cause he sold his cow for BEANS!) “I better eat one of these beans before I go in there, ” he thought. As he reached into his pocket to get one of the beans, he noticed it had the word “Faith” written on it. As he popped it into his mouth and began eating it, these beautiful words came to his mind. “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” (Aah it must of been one of those “proof-text, faith seeds) With a new surge of energy, he knocked on the castle door.
No sooner had Jack knocked on the door, than a huge mountain of a woman opened it. “Oh a little boy!” You look tired and hungry. Let me get you something to eat. But first let me warn you. You must eat in a hurry because my husband is a wicked man and eats little boys like you for a snack.” Then the giant’s wife gave Jack a slice of cake as big as a water bucket.
As Jack began to eat, he heard a huge stomping noise. The room began to shake and tremble. “Quick! Get in the pot,” whispered the giant’s wife. It’s my husband. He’ll eat you for sure if he sees you! (Yeah, so wisdom dictates that you jump into this pot we use to cook things in, to hide from my wicked husband that would eat you.)
No sooner had Jack slipped under the lid on the pot than he heard the giant bellowing, “Fe, fi, fo, fum. I smell the blood of a Christian son. I know he’s alive and can’t be dead. I’ll conquer him now and eat him like bread.” The giant got down on his hands and knees and looked under the table. “I smell a Christian boy! Where is he? (I know you are wondering with me, what does a Christian boy smell like?)
Nonsense! said his wife. “Sit down and eat your breakfast before it gets cold. You’re just imagining things.”
Grumbling, he sat down and ate a thousand pancakes covered with a barrel of syrup, and twenty pounds of butter, and drank thirty gallons of milk. When he had finished, (he died of a heart attack…what, oh nope the story continues) he pounded the table and shouted, “Wife bring me my hen! (don’t lie, you said that in your head with a Southern accent didn’t you?)” His wife hurried out and quickly returned with a lovely golden hen. “Lay, hen, lay!” shouted the giant, and the hen laid a golden egg. “Very good,” said the giant and soon he fell asleep. ( I seriously see this giant, in a white tank top, 7 pounds of syrups stains on it, and speaking in a Southern accent.)
As soon as Jack was sure the giant was asleep, he swiftly grabbed the hen and the golden egg. He ran out of the house and back to the beanstalk. Down, down, down he went until he was back safe at his mother’s house.
When his mother saw the hen, she shouted, “That was your father’s hen! It laid very special golden eggs.”
“Like, this? (Booyah Mom, I was right. You..You is wrong.) said Jack proudly as he held up the golden egg it had laid for the giant. As Jack held up the eggs he saw something written on the side of the egg. It was Proverbs 3:13-14, “Blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold. ‘ Ahh! declared Jack. “This is a very special hen indeed, (Yeah, it lays golden eggs), and its eggs are very precious. (Yeah, they’re made of gold) All the giant ever saw was the gold. He missed the richest part of the egg. God’s Word. No wonder this treasure was so easily taken from him. Through my Salvation seed, I won back what was rightfully my father’s and mine. (Yes, salvation is about getting back your golden laying egg hen. Was Joel Osteen this kid’s dad?)
The very next morning, bright and early, Jack kissed his mother good-bye and climbed right back up the beanstalk. As he neared the the top, he reached into his pocket and pulled out another bean he had picked from the stalk the day before. On it was written the words “God’s Precious Promise”. As he began to eat it, this scripture came to his mind. “But the Lord is faithful and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one(even if the evil one is a large giant, not Satan).” With this scripture in his heart, he rushed to the castle and knocked on the door. Once again the giant’s wife opened the door. “Oh, its you Jack. Come in and I’ll get you something to eat, but you must hurry. My husband is very angry today as he can not find his hen anywhere.” Then she fixed him a sandwich as big as a mattress.
Just as Jack started to eat the thundering sound of the giant’s feet approaching shook the house. “Quick, Jack, hide in the oven!” said the giant’s wife, as she hurriedly helped him in and shut the door. (Yes, the pot was good, the oven is even better, my child eating husband with a huge appetite will never look in an oven.)
(Skip ahead, the giant comes in, says his Fe, fi fo, fum rap and thinks Jack is somewhere close by.)
Reluctantly, he sat down and grumbled as he devoured four cows, one hundred ears of corn, and fifty gallons of iced tea. “Wife, bring me my harp!” yelled the giant. His wife hurried out and soon returned with a delicate little harp. “Play, harp, play!” shouted the giant. The harp began to play hard rock and rap music. (HAHAHAHAHAHA, There. are. no. words) “Very good!” said the the giant, and soon he was off to sleep.
As soon as Jack was sure the giant was asleep, he pushed open the oven door, took the harp, and ran out the house. Once again, down, down, down, the vine he went until he was safe at his mother’s house. “Play, harp. play!” said Jack, so his mother could hear. “What song would like?” asked the harp. “The giant only allowed me to play rock and rap music. I hated it! It made me nervouse and my strings cringed. Your father always liked christian songs and the Psalms put to music.”
Then play that! said Jack.( So the harped played The Hew Haw Gospel Quartet and the Oak Ridge Boys, with a little Gaither’s on the side)
As the harp played, the most beautiful music they had ever heard drifted through the room. Their hearts were made glad, and a great joy and peace filled them from the top of their heads to the soles of their feet.
The next day Jack, once again, climbed the beanstalk with his pockets full of the special beans. When he arrived at the castle door, he pulled another bean from his pocket. Before he ate it, he read the words “God’s precious promise” on the bean. As he began to chew, the scripture came to his mind, “The Lord will be your confidence, and will keep your foot from being caught.” With that scripture in his heart, he once again knocked on the castle door.
The giant’s wife opened the door and saw jack. “Oh, Jack, its you. Come in, but be especially careful, as my husband is extremely upset today. Yesterday when he woke up his harp was missing. (You know the one he was playing while you were hiding in the oven and that was gone after you ran out of the house. That one. Strange huh?) With things they way they are, I think it’s best you don’t come back here for awhile. But, first, before you go, let me give you some ice cream.” With that said, she handed him an ice cream sundae as big as a bathtub. No sooner Jack started to eat then the thundering sound of the giants’ feet shook the house.” “Hurry! In here!” she whispered, as she quickly lifted Jack into the cookie jar. “Fe, fi, fo, fum. I smell the blood of a Christian son. I know he’s alive and can’t be dead. I’ll conquer him now and eat him like bread.” Once again he began searching for Jack, looking high up on the shelves and into the closets.
“Sit down and eat your lunch.!” scolded the wife. “You are only imagining things.” Frustrated, the giant sat down and ate a mountain of spaghetti, fifteen loaves of bread, and drank twenty pots of coffee. “Wife, bring me my bag of gold!” Quickly, she left the room and soon returned with the bag of gold. The sight of all the gold gave him great pleasure. As he counted the gold, his eyes became heavier and heavier. Soon, his eyes were shut and his snoring could be heard throughout the whole castle.
Jack climbed out of the cookie jar, grabbed the gold, and started out the door. However, the giant had not really fallen asleep, but had only pretended to be sleeping so he could catch the culprit who was taking all of his things, “Ahh Ha!” roared the giant. “I told you I smelled a Christian son. “He jumped up and chased after Jack.
Jack ran as fast as he could. While running, he popped another bean in his mouth. This one had “Faith” written on it. As he ateit, this scripture came to his mind, “Jesus said, My Father, who has given them to me- those like Jack, who have experienced salvation (by eating beans) and been born again- is greater than all; and no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand” With those encouraging words in his heart, he picked up speed and ran like lighting to the beanstalk. The giant was close behind.
Down the beanstalk he went. As he reached the bottom, he yelled, “Quick, mother! Bring me father’s old axe.” As the giant came down the beanstalk, Jack began chopping the vine as fast and hard as he could muster the strength. As he chopped, he saw the axe handle had a scripture written on it. “Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you perserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes with your right hand you save me.” After reading these words, his strength increased. Soon the huge beanstalk came tumbling down and the evil giant with it. “Boom” The giant was dead. He had hit the ground with such force that he died instanly.
Jack’s mother was very proud of him, “You are not only a brave boy, but also a wise one. (Continually going back into to danger to steal back out belongings and selling our cow for beans kind of wise) “You have taught me a great lesson. I have been foolish all these years. I let the giant rob us of all our earthly goods. I used to be exactly like the giant. All I cared about was gold and the things this world has to offer. Your father tried to talk to me about God, Salvation, Faith, and God’s promises, but I wouldn’t listen. One day the giant came and killed your father and took all our possessions. I’ve learned my lesson, Jack. I have been reading the scripture written on the golden eggs and listening to the Christian music and Psalms the harp plays. It has melted my heart and opened my blind eyes.”
“Oh, Jack, look!” she shouted when she saw the huge sack of gold Jack had carried down the beanstalk. “Look what’s written on the bag!…God’s precious promises.” As they opened the bag, they noticed each golden coin had a scripture promise on it. The first one they read was “but whoever listens to me will live safetly, and be at ease, without fear of harm.” Yes, they had enough gold and God’s promises to kee them alive forever and ever.
(Years later they decided to begin to sell the scripture laden eggs and coins by selling them in book stores. And that kids, is how we got our first Christian book store.)
(So kids what have we learned?)
1. Write scripture on everything. Its like magic. Especially if you use it completely out of context.
2. We in doubt, pop pills…I mean beans.
3. Though Giants are evil, big, and have huge appetites they will never find you if you hide in large kitchen appliances.
4. Salvation seed will help you get back what is yours. Kid steals your bike? Salvation seeds. Lose some money in Vegas? Salvation seeds!
5. Harps prefer Christian radio.
6. Always talk to strangers, especially if they want to sell you something, that may or may not look like prescription drugs. As long as they call them “magic beans” you are safe.
7. It is always self-defense if your murder weapon has scripture written on it.
8. If you should find yourself walking in the clouds and a mysterious old lady, who knows all about you, tells you not to go to the castle where the mean, kid eating giant lives, Ignore her! She is obviously crazy.