I thought I would share the vast knowledge I know about blogging with the world and some things I’ve learned by writing on a blog. (For those of you rolling your eyes, looking at my formulaic blog page, my lack of cool pictures, rest assured the irony is not lost on me. The first sentence is called satire. That is, if a sentence can be called satire. Note to self: write tomorrow about what I know about literary forms of writing.)
I digress. Let’s just get into the lesson.
1. A blogger vs. blogging
I am not a blogger. I do not claim to be. I have a blog and I write on it. I post blogs and then check every two seconds to see if I have broken the 25 reader mark before the days out. Bloggers don’t do that. So I believe.
My definition of a blogger is a any person that writes a blog where their readership is made up of more people that don’t know them personally than do. Blogging is what all the non-bloggers do in hopes that one day they will receive a secret invitation in the mail, sealed with some cryptic wax seal like from those secret ivy league fraternities, inviting them to the bloggerhood. I checked the mail box today. No cryptic invitation.
Bloggers, unlike myself, also tend to have an actual point to their blog. It might be recipes, it might be funny mommy stories, it could be sports or politics. The point is most bloggers have a set topic they tend to talk about. My blogging on the other hand is a loose association of things I think about and want to write about. The pendulum swing can be wide. I like to think of my blog as the Christian-Seinfeld of blogs. A blog about nothing by a Christian writing about something.
2. Blogging is a passive-aggressive pursuit to be noticed
Writing on blogs, not to be confused with what Bloggers do, is a lot like a teenage girl who writes something in her diary and then leaves it out on the kitchen table. Of course someone reads it and then says something about it. The reply usually sounds a lot similar as well.
“Oh my gosh! Did you read my diary? I can’t believe you did that!……….Umm, okay so what do you think?”
3. The 3% rule
Let’s be honest. Blogging gold is when someone comments on a blog you’ve written or links to it from Facebook or some other social media site and tells others to read it. Its like blogging cocaine. Now actual bloggers may have a different take on this because some comment threads can get heated and way off topic, but the average blogger only wishes they had this problem. To people that blog, us plebs, this seems like the problem of having too much money. It’s a problem we think we’d like to have. When we write, “Feel free to comment.” What we really mean is, “Is anybody out there and if so, could you please validate me?”
Through my in depth research of the blog-dome (aka zero research) I have theorized the 3% rule. The 3% rule is this, only about 3% of your readers will ever comment on a blog post. This means that the vast majority of people that read your blog will never tell you what they think of it. To those that blog, this means that the blogosphere can seem like a lonely place.
There is, however an anomaly, to this rule. If you happen to be a mommy blogger then the 3% rule works in your favor. Again, after my vast research, I have found that if you are a mommy blogger than about 97% of the people that read your blog will comment on a post. The other 3% are other mommy bloggers wishing they had stolen your idea on that post.
Now before you think my math is off, remember that 85% of all statistics are wrong.
4. Having a blog
How can you tell a blogger from someone who just writes on a blog? You don’t need to, they will tell you. To all the people that write on a blog, who have not yet received coronation into the world of bloggers, can we all agree to stop telling people we have a blog? It just sounds kind of small. Its one of those socially awkward statements that leaves people with nothing to say, but the congenial,”oh that’s nice.” Like we’ve just shown them a picture of our new pet kitten. Its like meeting a NFL player and saying something like, “oh yeah, I played football in high school.” Or even worse its like saying, “Oh wow, you played professional football! Cool, I own a football.” Most blogs are free to own, free to run, and take little time to maintain. Let’s not water down the blogosphere with all our, “I have a blog” talk.
5. Blogs are not diaries
Again, to all my fellow people who write a blog (pwwb’s), your blog is not your own personal diary. It is not a place to just journal your thoughts. No, that’s what actual personal diaries and journals are for. You could just write the stuff you think and save it on a file in your computer, but you choose to make the personal public. Let’s agree to drop the air of privacy and admit to ourselves we like to blog because we like what we have to say. Honesty really is the best policy people. Maybe go to the mirror and repeat, ” I blog because I want people to listen” 10 times slowly. Whatever works for you.
There you have it. I hope I have made a positive mark on the world. To all the PWWB’S out there. Keep writing, keep it honest, and please, feel free to comment.