A Bedtime Story (you shouldn’t read to your children)

My wife recently picked up a book at a library book sale.  Now think about this,  libraries have sales to get rid of books they no longer want, no longer need, and people no longer read.  Which makes complete sense if you read the jewel I am about to share with you.  The following story is from a real book.  I am holding it in my hand as we speak.  I won’t mention the author because of the vast popularity of this blog.  I would hate to offend her.  So the three people that read this blog won’t know who I am talking about.

I am sure that the lady who wrote this was so amazingly kind and wonderful.  She loves her children and grandchildren. I am sure that she wants them to grow up with strong Christian beliefs and principles.  I think however she misses the point.  You will see in a moment.  She takes classic nursery rhymes and puts a Christian moral twist to it.  The only problem is she misses the mark completely.  Now classic nursery rhymes are to be cautionary tales.  This one, however, is a bit too obvious.  Without further delay I give you:

The Little Gingerbread Boy (my own editorial comments in parenthesis)

Once upon a time, there was an elderly couple named Truth and Faith. (What are the chances of those two people getting married).

They lived in a beautiful house in the woods.  One day, Faith decided to do something extra nice for her husband Truth. (Easy, this is a kid’s tale) “I will make him a little gingerbread boy,” she thought. Quickly she got out the ingredients she would need. “Let’s see!” she said, ” I will need flour for substance, eggs for texture, sugar to make him sweet, and lots of spices to give him zest.”  After she mixed all the ingredients and rolled out the dough, she cut out a handsome gingerbread boy. (What makes an ugly gingerbread boy different from a handsome one?  A little vain Mrs. Faith don’t you think?) “I’ll use raisins for his eyes, a cherry for his nose, a red jelly bean for his mouth, and these pretty gum drops for buttons on his coat.  Now let me see, what can I use for his heart? Ahhh! Hear is some rock candy, that will have to do!” (Her fatal mistake!)

(Okay I will skip ahead in the story.  Needless to say, the ginger bread boy’s candy heart turns into a heart of stone!  Didn’t see that coming did you?  He jumps off the pan and runs out the door.)

Down the road he went lickety-split until he ran into Mr. Smoke. (Yes, Mr. Smoke. Not like  the smoke monster on Lost, but the illustration looks like a potato with a cigarette in his mouth.)

“Naa-naa-naa-naa! Naa-naa- naa-naa-naa!

I am a gingerbread boy, I am, I am.

I ran away from Faith,

I ran away from Truth,

and I can fool around with you and get away with it, too!’

So he fooled around with Mr. Smoke (can you say gateway drug!), and then down the road he went with Mr. Smoke puffing after him. (Luckily Mr. Smoke stopped running 10 paces down the road, started coughing and wheezing, then went to the gas station for another pack.)

On and on, the little gingerbread boy ran until he met (are you ready for this one…) Alcohol Alice.

“Naa-naa-naa-naa! Naa-naa- naa-naa-naa!

I am a gingerbread boy, I am, I am.

I ran away from Faith,

I ran away from Truth,

I ran away from Mr. Smoke,

and I can fool around with you and get away with it, too!’

So he fooled around with Alcohol Alice (I don’t think I would’ve said it that way), and then down the road he went with Alcohol Alice hiccuping after him. (But then she tripped and fell, started getting really emotional, and called 10 of her ex-boyfriends.)

On he ran as fast as he could go until he met (everyone’s favorite duck, you know) Drugs Duck. (This is seriously a real book)

“Naa-naa-naa-naa! Naa-naa- naa-naa-naa!

I am a gingerbread boy, I am, I am.

I ran away from Faith,

I ran away from Truth,

I ran away from Mr. Smoke,

I ran away from Alcohol Alice,

and I can fool around with you and get away with it, too!’

So he fooled around with drugs duck, and the down the road he went with Drugs Duck hallucinating after him. (Speechless, I’m speechless.)

Faster he ran down the road until he met Carousing Cat (Ca.rous.ing- to engage in boisterous, drunken merrymaking)

“Naa-naa-naa-naa! Naa-naa- naa-naa-naa!

I am a gingerbread boy, I am, I am.

I ran away from Faith,

I ran away from Truth,

I ran away from Mr. Smoke,

I ran away from Alcohol Alice,

I ran away from Drugs Duck,

and I can fool around with you and get away with it, too!’

So he fooled around with Carousing Cat, and the down the road he went with Carousing Cat slinking off after him.

On he went faster and faster until he came to a river named Jordan (subtle, very subtle). “Oh dear,” he said “what will I do now? I can’t swim across, I will get wet, and soon there would be nothing left of me.”  Just then he spotted Witchcraft Wolf (RUN, GINGERBOY RUN!). “Don’t be afraid of me.” said Witchcraft Wolf, “I don’t like gingerbread. Come, I’ll help you cross over the Jordan River.” (His name is Witchcraft Wolf! Don’t trust him Gingerboy! Trust no one!)

“How?” asked the gingerbread boy. (No turning back now.)

“Just hop up on my shoulders, where it is marked Palm Reading and Quija Boards. You’ll be safe there. (No you won’t! Now we need to get you to go through some sort of bondage breakers program to be able to get you back.)

So the little gingerbread boy hopped on. “How much fun is this.” he thought. Soon, however, as the water became deeper, it began to lap onto his feet. “Oh Witchcraft Wolf! My feet are getting wet!” he cried.

“Then jump up higher onto my head, where it is marked Crystal Ball and Seances. You’ll be safe there.” (Seriously)

So he did. “This is really exciting!” he thought. But once again, as he got into deeper water, it began to lap up onto his feet. “Oh! Witchcraft Wolf! My feet are getting wet! he cried.  “Then jump up onto my nose, where Black Magic and Deep Occult practices are written. You’ll be safe there.” (Seriously, this is a real story in a book.)

So he did.

Snap! Bang! Crunch- crunch-crunch! Chew! Slurp! Yum-yum! Drool! And that was the end of the little gingerbread boy! Hee-hee-hee! smiled the Wolf, “I knew I would get him for “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.” (Let me get this right, Witchcraft Wolf is now quoting Scripture.)

As the others looked on in horror and shame, Truth said, “Don’t be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man (gingerbread or not) reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction;…” And Faith replied, “Amen” (This is what I call a parental boo-yah moment. Sidenote to my sidenote: Boo-yah is defined in urbandictionary.com as something said when schooling or beating an opponent. A parental boo-yah are those moments every so often that happen only in your head.  For example, you’ve told your children not to run in the house 100 times already that day.  They come running out of their room with their socks on, hit the hardwood, and Boo-yah, they fall. Now of course you don’t say that to them, but in that nano-second that passes, after you know they are alright, a tiny voice in your head says “Boo-yah!”  Older generations may have a  “Wellllll, See, I told you so” moments.  They are practically the same thing.)

The End.

So there you have it.  The worst/best bedtime story to never tell you kids.



About Todd Van Dyke

Father, Husband, Son, and most of all lover of Christ.
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24 Responses to A Bedtime Story (you shouldn’t read to your children)

  1. aimee gilleran says:

    Hilarious once again! I love reading your blog!I have to say though, in your sidenote about Mr. Smoke you put that he was coughing and whizzing…. I think you mean wheezing:) But the visual of him whizzing (peeing) all over the place made me laugh out loud. So thanks!

    • tvd1016 says:

      There will be an immediate edit. Thanks for pointing that one out.
      Todd

    • JamesBrett says:

      yeah, i suppose it would have been more likely for alcohol alice to do the whizzing…

      oh, and mixing witchcraft and scripture might seem strange to many of you — but you guys must not know any WOLVES that practice witchcraft. because all the ones i know are relatively open to new ideas, and always willing to throw another supernatural creator power into their montage of spiritual disciplines.

      • James,
        The only wolves here in Tennessee that I know are pretty tame. Most of them are airbrush t-shirt models so they don’t have much time for witchcraft.

      • JamesBrett says:

        didn’t realize you were from tennessee. me too… kind of. our sending church is in murfreesboro, and i went to college in nashville. cleveland’s a nice place — we used to go there all the time for rafting, kayaking, and backpacking. i’m jealous of you guys…

  2. aimee gilleran says:

    and the picture of the “gingerbread man” priceless.

  3. aimee gilleran says:

    I dont know about editing it…kind of goes with the whole crazy story line. lol!

  4. I don’t even know what to say! So funny :) Do you want to come read Elias a bedtime story?

  5. Jim says:

    That was engaging and funny as usual. How did you get your hands on the book again?

  6. stephanye says:

    I tried not to comment….but I can’t help my self.

    When we first moved into our house at this job, there were about 100 Christmas books on the shelves. My little girls picked out a book to read one night. It had great illustrations and was very funny especially when Santa was put in jail. I can’t remember the specifics, but the picture is still in my head. Santa was scruffy looking and wearing boxer shorts in jail. He also had a cigarette. If we still have it, I’ll be sure to get it to you.

    • tvd1016 says:

      Stephanye,
      Please don’t ever try not to comment. The more the merrier.
      Santa in jail. Nice.

      • tvd1016 says:

        Stephanye,

        Sorry that sounded too strong. What I meant to say is please feel free to comment as much as you like. I enjoy hearing what people have to say.
        Your reply reminded me of a book we saw that had Santa their with the wisemen in the manager scene. I understood what they were trying to do but it really confused the kids.

  7. stephanye says:

    todd,
    sorry i didn’t get your “strong” message, yesterday till late. i was too busy driving to atlanta to try to pick up your new vehicle and your falcon’s tickets:) we’ll need to touch base monday or have jess get them for you.

    it will take a lot more than that to offend me. thanks for being sensitive, though.

    off to clean and organize some more

  8. Pingback: A Bedtime Story (you shouldn’t read to your children) (via Moose at a Full Gallop) « Reflective Musings

  9. Michelle says:

    Um, wow. Not much more to say. I can’t believe someone actually printed that. Your commentary is classic. Thanks for sharing.

    PS -I came over from challies.com.

    • Thanks Michelle. I noticed that it hit Challies.com today when my views went from like 0 to 250 and it wasn’t even 8am. Stop by anytime. There are more stories in the book and they are all about as good. I think The Little Gingerbread Man was the best/worst one. I have to post more in they are blog worthy.

  10. Ronnica says:

    Wow. I think your side notes made the story…though either way it’s pretty funny/sad.

  11. I know it’s just plain abused on the web and in email/IM, but there’s only one proper response to this post: LOL

  12. Pingback: The Blog World « Pencilled Daydream

  13. k.tarves says:

    my word….I can’t believe stuff like this gets published. The subtleness is, as you mentioned, truly impressive. =P

  14. Pingback: 2010 in review | Moose at a Full Gallop

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